Happy... and Miserable

Ever feel this way? That you are living a happy life, but you are just a plain miserable at the moment.
This is me right now.

Not normal for me... at all. But, I have fallen into a pit of martyrdom. Man- it's ugly.

I have not been able to blog for some time. Life brought a few twists and turns that took me away from my computer.

Our 16 year old daughter, Sarah had gall bladder surgery on Thursday. It has turned into a bigger deal than we thought it would. Her liver was cut during surgery, causing extra bleeding, and now more complications- result- a longer hospital stay, a lot of pain for our tough daughter, and a long commute for a busy family of 11.

What have I brought out of this trail so far- I am ugly inside - through and through right now. I am not seeing any thing thru my Rose- colored glasses.

Ugliness through trials is not nice. It is selfish, and I can see that it is the easy way out for my emotions of sadness, frustration, concern, and exhaustion.

We have been through trials before. Many. I have seen and been with others as they deal with their own pain.
So, where did this ugliness come from, I ask myself? Hmmmm...

Here's what I have finally come to tonight-

*A lack of truly laying this at the altar of the Lord-Holding onto the attempt to micro-manage the outcome of my daughters relief

*A lack of seeing this trial thru the eye's of one who has been shown much mercy and grace, but rather, through eyes of selfishness and desire to have this trail removed

*Worry and anxiety over my daughters condition and pain, rather than showing my daughter the trust that we have taught her since she was a wee child

Man- these things are bound to produce ugliness, and yep- it has manifested itself in my life this week.

It is my prayer that sharing this personal side of my life through another trial, that any one reading would know that God does not want us to be miserable. I was this week, and will have to work at seeing this as another opportunity for me to grow in Christ.

For me to live is Christ, to die is gain.

Death to self- the best cure for any ugliness through our trials.
So hard.

Please pray.
Here is a picture of our Sarah.
Please, please pray for her as she sits in a hospital waiting for answers. We all wait.