One September Day

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Refiner's Fire - Our Story

My husband and I met on a blind date - and the rest is History!
Engaged after three months, and married after one year, 1989 - we were on the road to marital bliss! Or, so we thought!
Young and full of an eager desire to start a family, we were excited to find out we were expecting a few months after we were married.

This pregnancy ended with a miscarriage after 6 weeks, and the pain that a young mothers heart endures at this stage was something new to me, and it was raw.
Our marriage was built on a Biblical Foundation, and so the Lord gave me comfort thru this time of loss.

Hope renewed, we discovered we were expecting again 6 months later, and the excitement turned to severe morning sickness, that lasted all day, with severe hydration. The Dr,'s prescribed medicine to combat the sickness, and at 16 weeks, we returned to the Dr. for the scheduled ultrasound.
It was here that we were told to come back 4 weeks later to follow up on a few things.
My husband was not able to return with me to this appt. and so a close friend of mine came along for support. She sat patiently in the waiting room, not knowing that just down the hall, the worst news a mommy could hear were being given to me.
The Dr. asked me to sit down in his office while he told me that our baby had no kidneys, that they could see, and that she would not be born alive, if she made it far into the pregnancy at all.
He referred us to a specialist, and that was all he had to say.

I remember walking out of the office, completely drowning in sadness, and not even able to speak to my friend, or look at the rest of the expecting moms in the waiting room.
They gave us a choice - jump start labor, and "save ourselves" from unnecessary grief,, OR, carry her to term and "hope" for the best.
The drive home was as if I was outside of my body. I can remember looking at all of the people in the cars driving past me,, with what seemed that had no care in the world, and I was alone - mentally checking out of this pregnancy.

We chose to carry our little girl to term. We had many prayers surrounding us the entire time. I received numerous cards of encouragement, and phone calls from many that said they were praying.
But, the grief was deep. Deeper than I ever thought I could feel,, far away from God's love and comfort. I was keeping Him at arm's length.
As her birth drew near, a particular Hymn became dear to my Heart - Nearer, Still Nearer.
She was born on October 10, 1990, after a long and painful labor. Breech position, no fluid - but a perfectly formed, beautiful little baby girl,, who spent 30minutes alive in our arms - granting me the largest blessing for that day. She was perfect. We felt the Lord's presence,, the Holy Spirit standing there beside us every bit of those 30 minutes. I was at such peace. We took sweet pictures of her,,prayed, and sang, and will always thank the Lord for those precious moments with our Elisabeth.

Her funeral came shortly after, and I will never forget that day. There was such an outpouring of love from those we knew,, and even strangers we had never met.
The song, Nearer Still Nearer became a larger part of who I am today.
That day, as we buried our little baby girl to rest, my heart broke into a million pieces. I could not walk away from her grave. I felt as if I was abandoning her - it was all so wrong. A mommy is suppose to comfort and nurture her baby. How can this be?

The Lord had His plans.. and I was being molded into a new creation.

Then, why did we again, after this, experience another miscarriage? Only He has the answers, and I have learned His plans are best. He only wants what is good for me. Did I find it through these times?

It is now 1992, and a healthy baby boy was born into our arms. This pregnancy brought its own set of complications, but our Benjamin came home with us. Vibrant, and bringing a JOY that I can never explain. Every moment with a long awaited baby seems to be tri-fold emotion. Thank you Lord.
In 1993, we were again given another baby, a healthy baby girl.
And then in 1995 - another healthy baby boy.

It was in 1996, that we were surprised to find out that we were expecting identical twin boys. My nervousness quickly gave way to excitement. It was strange to me though, that after 16 weeks, my measurements were way off, and I was growing faster than normal. We quickly found out that I was experiencing something called Twin to Twin Transfusion, and our lives were in danger. The twins and mine. I was measuring 40 weeks at 16 weeks, and had to make the trip to the Dr. 2 -3 times a week for quarts of fluid to be drawn off ( amniocentesis).
This was so painful. Physically and emotionally. The pain of every day was almost unbearable. The extra ultrasounds gave us a rare view of our babies growing daily. What a hidden blessing to see them so often. The Dr. informed us that if we were able to carry them to 26 weeks, we would do an early C-Section, and hopefully stabilize them in ICU. Each of our baby boys had their own personality. The little window we had to see them grow allowed us to bond, beyond the movement in the womb. They were so active. The Dr.'s defined them as Baby A and Baby B.. but we named them Luke and Aaron.

Why do I fight the Will of God , when I KNOW He loves me beyond compare? I "fought" this plan daily , as I carried the twins each day. I knew that if my life was in danger, then I might leave my three precious babies without a mommy,, and then if I was ok, then the twins might not make it? Where did my Faith go?
He was refining me.

At week 24, I awoke in the middle of the night to the twins movement, and a battle raged within my heart. "God,, WHY?" I surrendered on my knees that night, asking Him to Have His Will, and give Him the Glory. I love you Lord,, please give me the strength to endure this."
The next night, something different woke me up. The twins had stopped moving. I knew. I would never see my babies alive. They were resting in His arms. Safe.

After a long and emotionally trying birth, our baby boys were placed in our hands, and we bathed them and gave them our good-byes. It was an exceptionally difficult moment ,, handing them over to be taken from us. So unnatural.
Their funeral was numbing. We were treading water,, waiting for a rescue of time alone.
The healing came slow. Very slow. We both felt as if we had just been through a storm and were weathered beyond repair.
But it came.. by His Grace,, and Mercy.
He had never left us,, and if we didn't know His love personally, then would have completely drowned in waves of grief.
He carried us through.

After the twins were born, we had three little girls,, one year apart each.
And then we experienced another miscarriage.
There is something about a loss after such grief - it is almost as if you know what your heart is going to feel, and because we knew that God had never left us before, and so we were able to rest on His promises.

Our baby boy , Sam was born after this miscarriage. Beautiful, and healthy.
Then another Miscarriage.
And then 2 more girls. Oh,, how precious they are to us. Sweet. They bring us so much Joy.

The Lord refined me through the 20 years that we have shared in marriage, and I know he will continue to.
But, I wouldn't have it any other way. And I never thought that I would say that.
I am only the person that I am today, because of what He brought us through, and How I could find Hope in the Midst of the Storm.

Praise Him with me! ? He is a Mighty Saving God, and Loves us enough to have the very best.

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29 Comments:

  • At March 18, 2009 at 11:14 AM , Blogger Lynnette Kraft said...

    September, I knew your story - but I had forgotten the details of it through the years...so I was grateful to have the opportunity to read it like this. I forgot that Elisabeth was your first baby.

    The most beautiful part of your story is that you depended on the Lord for his peace, healing and hope. What does a person do through times like this without the Savior? It breaks my heart to think of it.

    Thanks for sharing your story.
    Love,
    Lynnette

     
  • At March 20, 2009 at 10:05 PM , Blogger j2burk said...

    September, wow - what an amazing story of dependence on God and faith in Him, knowing that He has a plan for everything. I found your blog through MckMama's, and reading it has touched me. Thank you for sharing your story.

     
  • At March 24, 2009 at 10:14 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    wow, this is a very emotional, and touching blog. My heart breaks for your losses, but your strength in God to overcome such loss is heartwarming. Your story brings tear to my eye and joy to my heart, thank you so much. THIS IS FAITH! -DP101#1FAN

     
  • At April 15, 2009 at 5:10 PM , Blogger Julie said...

    September,
    I'm just now reading your story. I got pregnant only a few months after getting married and suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks. It was devastating. I can't imagine dealing with that over and over and the losses of your other children. What a blessing that you were able to lean on your faith and praise God!

    Thank you for sharing your story.

     
  • At May 2, 2009 at 10:00 AM , Blogger Holly said...

    Thank you for sharing this. It touched me. Bless you!

     
  • At May 8, 2009 at 10:43 PM , Blogger Jenilee said...

    I stopped over today to read your story. Isn't God amazing? He can carry us through. Thanks for encouraging me today with your words. God Bless your precious family.

     
  • At May 9, 2009 at 11:09 PM , Blogger Verna said...

    You stopped by my blog and I appreciate it.

    So I hopped on over to read your story. My heart goes out to you.
    But we serve an awesome God. And tho we cannot always know why he does things the way he does, he is always right there by our side.

    Have a wonderful Mother's Day.!

     
  • At May 13, 2009 at 9:08 PM , Blogger April said...

    My Goodness. I am glad to have read your story. I am in awe at the trials you and your family have experienced. I know it was God who pulled you through over the years - you have experience so much pain and heartache and yet you are standing up today! My heart breaks to learn your story. My mother lost a baby to CDH in 1988 and I only recent was able to open up with her about how she made it through. I just had my own little boy 6 months ago and becoming a mother opened my eyes to many things. You inspire me to know that we ARE able - with the help of God alone. Thank you for visiting my blog.

    Something else we have in common - met our husbands on a blind date :)

     
  • At May 14, 2009 at 4:29 PM , Blogger Melissa said...

    Thanks so much for sharing your story. It is evident how strong your faith is. I have lost two babies and it's truly something you never get over. However, it does make me appreciate and love on the four precious boys I do have here with me.
    P.S. My husband and I were also engaged within months after meeting... and nineteen years later, still madly in love!

     
  • At June 26, 2009 at 2:35 AM , Blogger Raisingarrows said...

    September,
    I don't think I've ever been here before, which is why I read "your story." It is beautiful. I am always heartbroken to read about others in this "club" that no one really wants to be a part of, but I rejoice in what the Lord has done through your sorrow.
    Blessings,
    Amy

     
  • At July 22, 2009 at 10:26 PM , Blogger Mom Putnam said...

    My oh my, you have endured more than any one woman should but in the midst of it all what strength and faith you have shown. This is something that I long to have and work at it every day and you have given me hope and something to cling too. Thank you. We never know how much we touch others lives.
    Linda (Holly's mom and Carleigh's grandma)

     
  • At September 25, 2009 at 1:45 AM , Blogger Sherrie said...

    Wow! I am an awe! Thanks for sharing your story. I will be thankful for the trials I have gone through that have refined me to the person I am today. Thanks for that reminder.

     
  • At September 30, 2009 at 9:34 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Your blog is so incredibly encouraging! Please keep writing!!

     
  • At October 16, 2009 at 10:02 PM , Blogger Amber said...

    Wow. I had to stop reading this often...just to get through. And this IS your life. Oh my oh my. What an amazing woman, mother, child of God you truly are. I don't know how you could ever have kept on...except that I know you gave it all to God. There is special place in Heaven for people like you...I'd like to think it's right in the midst of all the little ones....It was very nice to visit your blog and see the beautiful faces on it...I will definitely keep coming back!

     
  • At October 21, 2009 at 2:38 PM , Blogger busymomof10 said...

    Wow! I was so moved by your story. You have been through so much! Only God's grace could have carried you through all of this! I realize anew how blessed I have been to have TEN healthy children!

    I am really looking forward to reading more of your blog!!

    blessings,
    Elizabeth

     
  • At October 30, 2009 at 11:23 AM , Blogger inadvertent farmer said...

    Thanks you for sharing...you are an inspiration for what God can do to heal our hearts. I lost twin girls to TTTS and have never had to lean on God as much as I have concerning faith, forgiveness, and healing...

    Again, thank you. Kim

     
  • At March 9, 2010 at 7:41 PM , OpenID mylifebyfaith said...

    Oh September, what a lot to go through. Where would we be without our awesome God!

    Blessings,
    Lisa

     
  • At May 24, 2010 at 9:38 PM , Anonymous Alicia said...

    Thank you for sharing your story with others and reminding us that God will carry us through any storm that comes our way.

     
  • At June 7, 2010 at 5:11 PM , Blogger Teresa @ ♥ TOO MANY HEARTBEATS ♥ said...

    Hi, September! (What a beautiful name!)

    I happened upon the link to your blog over on Blog Frog and I have spent A LOT of time reading your posts, including this one that tells your story. What an amazing testimony and incredible strength you have! I can not begin to imagine the depth of pain that you (and your husband) have been through. I think it is so amazing how you have continued to stand firm in your faith and trust in the Lord. I honestly don't know how people get through great trials and tribulation without leaning on Him.

    I really love your blog and I can't wait to read more. I just became your newest Follower. I love meeting new bloggers, especially fellow sisters in Christ. I would be really honored if you would take a minute to come check out my blog, too.

    I hope you and your precious family have a really wonderful week!

    Many blessings,

    Teresa <><

    ♥ Too Many Heartbeats ♥

     
  • At September 23, 2010 at 3:14 PM , Blogger JillAileenJones said...

    I am visiting from Lynette's blog-and all I can say is wow what an amazing story you have to share.
    I have not walked through the grief of losing a baby after it was born just two in the womb to miscarriages and that was hard enough. I shouldn't be but I am always amazed at God-His plans-what He uses to refine us into gold. My heart ache while reading this as a mama one of the hardest things to endure I think is the lose of a child-even that God knows and understands our pain-He himself has been there too.
    Thank you for sharing your story and for blessing so many through it-for helping reach so many struggling with a loss of a child and for bringing Him glory through it all. I can't wait to read more and to follow your blog.
    Blessings
    Jill

     
  • At September 24, 2010 at 1:08 PM , Blogger MommyIvy said...

    What an emotional roller coaster. I now know why you an Lynette have found friendship. I am a little over half your age and have only been married for 4 yrs, but our stories are similar. Through it all I have learned to praise Him through the storm.

     
  • At September 28, 2010 at 1:56 PM , Blogger cooperkelly4 said...

    What a bittersweet story. so much loss and yet so much love. I too had a miscarriage and I cannot imagine the pain of carrying full-term only to say goodbye. Your story of trust and love is inspiring and not only are you changed, but so are the people you share your story with. Rejoicing with you for His blessings. Kelly

     
  • At October 12, 2010 at 5:49 AM , Blogger Hannah's Wings said...

    September, I just stumbled across your blog, and I have to say it was a definate God thing!!! You have encouraged me so much today!!! Sometimes, I feel as if I'm of a select few that know the heartache of God rocking my children to sleep at night instead of me. Thank you for your beautiful story!!!

     
  • At November 18, 2010 at 11:32 AM , Blogger Mary Kaisand said...

    Thank you for sharing. I found your blog from someone else. Your story is incredible. To God be the glory! Wow, your story will be able to touch so many lives. Thank you!

     
  • At January 7, 2011 at 9:38 PM , Blogger Cort said...

    I just found your blog from Lynette Kraft's. Thank you for sharing your story. I have experienced the loss of our son almost 2 years ago so I know a little of what you have gone through. But to have lost 3 children plus the ones from your miscarriages...I cannot imagine. Your story and testimony has helped so many I am sure. You are a blessing...I'm so glad I found your blog.

     
  • At January 28, 2011 at 8:36 PM , Blogger Camille said...

    What an incredible testimony of God's goodness in your lives!! I appreciate it that you continue to point your reader to the LORD all throughout it...so precious!! How much you have suffered and how deep your faith must be because of it. May the LORD continue to give you grace and strength to follow HIM no matter what...for HIS glory! It's lovely to *meet* you.

    Many blessings,
    Camille

     
  • At January 31, 2011 at 9:00 PM , Blogger Madeleine said...

    You have an amazing story! Thank you for sharing it! I look forward to returning to your blog in the future!

    Madeleine Bonin
    Boninfamilyadventures.blogspot.com

     
  • At May 10, 2011 at 9:44 AM , Blogger Barb said...

    September,

    I "stumbled" upon your blog this morning but we both know there aren't any "stumbles" in His Kingdom :) I read your story and was touched so deeply by your perseverance. God is so amazing! He takes all our broken pieces and creates magnificent beauty. Thank you for being so open about your loss and struggle. I was blessed today because of it. My faith has been renewed and my heart is full. Blessings!

    Barb

     
  • At August 7, 2011 at 9:57 PM , Blogger Angela said...

    so glad i "stumbled" upon your blog....God is good like that ;)

    I really enjoyed reading what our mighty Lord has done in your life.

    now following....

    angela

     

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